The 10 Lies of Account Planners

1. "They always say that. They don't mean that". A planner's key task is often to make sure the research ends up the way it's supposed to. So there's always tons of subtle (or not so subtle) meaning management on the client side of the one-way mirror. A top technique is to dismiss anything commonsensical, clear but inconvenient that the punters say as 'something they always say' like it's just a verbal tick and not something you should actually listen to.

2. "We're really interested in your feedback here". We're not really interested in your feedback. We're interested in your approval.

3. "This will enter the vernacular". No it won't. Whatever trite little phrase we've come up with won't enter the vernacular, it won't become part of ordinary speech and it won't therefore deliver tons of media value.

4. "I'm doing groups". I'm not doing groups, I couldn't be arsed to come in to work and I'm sitting at home. But you don't know that. You think planners are always doing groups, so I can get away with this.

5. "That's how Innocent does it. Or maybe not Innocent. Maybe Honda or Pot Noodle or whoever is cool and interesting at the moment". We don't know how Innocent does it, but we've read something in a book about how someone says Innocent do it, and it's similar to what we think you should do.

6. "We're going to own yellow. Or blue or whatever". We're not going to own yellow. Coke don't own red. Pepsi don't own blue. Orange don't even own orange. So this silly little campaign with lots of yellow won't let you own yellow. Bananas own yellow. Or custard. We won't. (Creatives love this one, it's normally them who make you say it.)

7. "It's not statistically significant". No-one really knows what that means. But it allows you to explain anything except the really disastrous stuff in the tracking study.

8. "I think there's something wrong with the recruitment". Allows you to explain the really disastrous stuff in the tracking study.

9. "Here's a little thought-starter". Really means hey, creatives, here's the thought that solves the whole problem and you don't need to do any more work, I've cracked it, just like that, just write it up and away we go.

10. "I find it more efficient to take notes straight onto my laptop". I'm not taking notes, these are the most tedious groups I've ever been to in my life. I'm playing solitaire.